My other half adores me... Je l’adore... But to chieve adoration, I have to a. Look younger than my 38 years and b. maintain a fighting weight of no more than 70KG.
This requires a huge amount of self-discipline on my part. I live on a diet of high-protein / virtually no carbohydrates. I cook on my ‘Lean Mean Grilling Machine' and my 'Rosemary Conley EnerGI (Low-GI) non-stick Wok. I wake up, do 140 sit-ups, 40 quality press-ups and 10 full extension chin-ups - before tucking into Scottish sparkling mineral water mixed with freshly squeezed lemon-juice.
Daily, I pop Soya Lechitin (to prevent ingestion of fat), St John’s Wort (to keep me motivated and energised regardless of travel fatigue and work-stress), Enzyme Q10 (to smooth out that annoying wrinkle (OK there's more than one...)) and GTF150 (Chromium Piccolinate to prevent Carbohydrate craving). I invest a good percentage of my hard-earned cash on moisturisers that beggar belief in their claimed effects.
I spend an hour a day on a cross-trainer following an hour of weight-training in the gym (better that way around I’m told). And I crave... Gad, I crave....
I crave Crisps. Constantly. I cannot have crisps in the house as I have no self control with them. A 20 packet Party-bag would last me about 15 minutes in my house. I don’t care what brand (although Walkers are the best clearly) and I don’t care what flavour (Cheese and Onion is obviously the best) – I WILL eat them. One packet after the other. Until I feel sick. Like a glutton. Indeed, So guilty am I about this, that I will hide in a corner so no-one can see me – and I will double-bag the empty packets in the bucket in case visitors see them... It was my guilty secret...
This morning I saw an interesting story on TV about a guy, that having reached 70 stone in weight (that’s 640KG) has now decided to ask the NHS for help. In an average day, he has 4 large battered cod, 6 portions of chips, 4 battered sausages and mushy peas (classy) – for lunch! He admits to having consumed 20lbs of chocolate in a single day and his calorific intake has reached a mighty 20,000 calories per day... I’m now feeling slightly less guilty about my cravings - in fact actually quite good about my 70KG.
The TV programme received a large number of texts and calls from viewers expressing concern and sympathy for this giant of a thing (I can’t say ‘man’ as no man could allow themselves to get into such a state and - chances are the sex organs are neither functional nor visible anymore).
Sympathy? Doesn’t that come between ‘Shit’ and ‘Syphillis’ in the Oxford Dictionary? Come on people! He doesn’t need sympathy (actually he needs a crane and an 18 wheeler to get him to the hospital for his stomach bypass – which by all accounts will be longer than the A34 around Newbury) – what he really needs is for people to STOP FEEDING him! STOP IT you morons, you are killing him!
Let’s help him instead by removing his cyber-space gateway (where he can pretend to be anyone he wants (think ‘Surrogates’ ‘Avatar’ and ‘Matrix’)) and by cutting his benefits. How in the name of anything holy can he afford to eat 20,000 calories a day? That’s like eating for 8 and we all know how expensive McCains Oven Chips are getting... Well, truth is he can’t – but apparently we are paying him for that luxury. He has a team of carers looking after him (and feeding him) at the cost to you and me of £100,000 per year for each of the last 10 years!!!
The move to hospital today, will be assisted by a pair of Ambulance crews and a specially customised strengthened ambulance, a pair of Fire crews to both cut the wall out of his house and assist to 'carry' the grsat 'puddin', police and a Doctor. Hmm... that’s going to cost more than the bus I think... The move will apparently be visible on Google Earth he’s so large... so if you want to give him a virtual wave, search under ‘Fat-bastard.’
Hold on! Hold on?... when my old man had an aneurism, he was told he would get no further help for any such similar damage to his body until he stopped smoking – resources in the NHS are after all finite... So how come in 2004 when this big beastie was 50 Stones and growing, did the oxygen thief not get told the same thing? C’mon! Let’s enforce some discipline if these people cannot instil their own self-discipline! Like so many, they have and will continue to contribute nothing to society. And by the way, arrest all his feeders for ‘conspiracy to murder.’
Speaking of ‘Oxygen Thieves’.... Apparently those other gluttonous bastards known as bankers will, despite having been bailed out by you and me to the tune of £trillions and nearly plunging the world in to the dark ages, have an increase of 50% for their bonuses this year. Jeez – is this real? Some of these wankers will walk away with bonuses of between £500,000 and a ‘handful’ of £millions this year. For what exactly? Saving lives? Nursing the sick? Being blown up by Improvised Explosive Devices (in the name of freedom and democracy)? Inventing? Research? Manufacturing? No... I suspect the line will be that they ‘underpin the economy’ or ‘create wealth for the ordinary man.’ In reality they buy and sell foreign currencies and oil-futures in such large amounts that +0.001 can equal tens of thousands of pounds in profit... Of course ‘values can go down as well as up’ which begs the question -Isn’t this essentially gambling!?
Regardless -Hey!? I’m fucking here! I want to provide jobs! I want to improve society! Where the fuck is MY money!?
Somebody once said the world would be a better place if we ‘drowned all lawyers.’ Agreed. But let’s do the same to these oxygen thieves. Take away their internet access and they are fucked. They produce nothing. They contribute nothing. They too are leeches on society. How can anyone justify one person having £millions or even £billions when so many can’t even afford enough rice to fill their families measly bowl just once a day for nourishment.
Sick and truly, truly obscene.
On now to Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection or ‘Survival of the fittest (not to be confused with Jo Brands latest bestseller – Survival of the fattest). I have so far identified 2 parties of non-contributors who clearly couldn’t survive for 2 minutes without the internet and microwave ready meals. Here I will (carefully) demonstrate how natural selection works in a different manner - for the inherently stupid.
I am of course referring to ‘School run mums.’ Now this class of people do attempt to contribute to society by increasing the population for the better of mankind? (Yes I have already alluded in a previous blog that we are already 6 billion people over-borne). Unfortunately, they collectively demonstrate an IQ of far less than the mad-cow burgers and Chicken Nuggets (apt I must say) they feed their kids in the evening.
I have to ask, seriously, do they love their children? Really? So why oh why do they insist daily upon making the approach and entrances to every school in the country the single most dangerous place in the world outside of Afghanistan, between 0800-0900 and 1500-1600?
They park on double yellow lines. They park on (danger) zig-zag lines. The park on the corners of junctions. They park opposite junctions. They double park. I’ve even seen them treble park. In the name of all that’s Holy, they park on Pelican and Zebra crossings!!! Where does that poor old lollipop woman expect to cross?
Are they completely-fucking-mental?
Yes.
As I said... IQ – nil points.
And they produce babies they clearly do not love whom they subject to their own brand of self instigated extreme hazard – as part of a daily ritual. A more clear demonstration of ‘natural selection’ would be hard to find...
I wonder how many of these poor little blighters are taken out by other mothers, looking for parking opportunities rather than looking at the road and movements of the children on the pavements and roads. See these little kiddies can’t see a bloody thing for all the parked cars...
Whether these poor wee fellows have the IQ of Stephen Hawking or the potential to be Albert Einstein (which is unlikely with such intensely stupid parentage) – they have little chance to get past school age and if they do survive and go on to follow their parents example, they further increase the risk of ‘natural selection’ wiping out their future lineage, as they discover the joys of ‘quadruple and pentuple’ parking.
Or even the joy of sextuple...
